To be a Conservative, you must believe...
That the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of morality--as long as you are "moral" you are safe.
That trial lawyers are all pond scum but doctors are underpaid.
That global temperatures are affected more by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and the brilliance of the sun than the documented effects of yuppies driving SUVs (among other things).
That guns in the hands of the law abiding Americans are more of a threat
than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
This one doesn't work. Primarily because of non-binary cognitive dissonance and the fact that the Republicans more or less support nuclear China. Shrug.
That corporatism creates prosperity and democracy creates oppression.
That it doesn't matter who you step on as long as you "achieve".
That federal funding is useless.
That the ACLU is bad because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, but that the NRA is good because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution.
(As an aside: i would harsh on the NRA less if they would at least care about an entire amendment rather than the half of the one they like...)
That taxes are too high. Period.
That there is no problem with children praying in school. Period.
That there is no such thing as systematic discrimination. Period.
(Except, of course, when it comes to discriminating against white people.)
That consistent, planetary change in weather patterns is everything other than proof of global warming.
("Ice caps and glaciers melting for the first time in millenia? Must be the sun!")
That national wealth is determined by what we consume, not by what we
This one, again, seems to be a Republican position that got in there by mistake. See: Pres. Bush's "Everything is okay! Make sure you keep consuming like rabid dogs!" speech after 9/11.
That the only wars in which America should become involved, are those in
which our national security is not at risk.
I'd say this is another Republican position, but it should go even farther: "That you've never met a war you didn't like". At least, that's true as long as they don't have to do the fighting, as per the link above.
That lying to the nation in order to lead it into war is less of an issue about a blowjob. That a concerted, decades-long effort to destroy a politician and his family is okay--as long as it's a Democrat.
That we can have a strong military while the people who shout the loudest in favor of going to war are the least willing to enlist.
That the way to improve public schools is to take all their money away and give it to private, Christian schools.
That a woman cannot choose whether to have a child or not. Period. And if she does? Don't expect any help from the state in the way of public resources.
That care for the environment is only legitimate when the person doing the caring meets the Republican Moral Standards (that is: white, lives in a red state, and engages in Traditional Manly Activities like hunting and fishing.) Ad Hominem attacks only matter if you're a Democrat.
That you have money to spend and if you don't it's your own fault.
That Hillary Clinton is evil. Period.
That being a movie star means your views on politics are illegitimate. Unless your views align with the Republican party, of course.
That the people who bombed the Oklahoma city building don't matter. Neither do the people who destroyed the WTC. The real threat was a toothless old tyrant who posed no direct threat (unlike Bin Laden and friends) to the United States.
That directly targetting children with highly addictive and deadly products is equivalent to showing a nipple on TeeVee.
That crime can be stopped by throwing people in jail after-the-fact.
(Okay, not really a direct inversion... sue me...)
That the only reason fascism and Stalinism hasn't worked anywhere it has been tried is because people were using the wrong definition of "worked".
(Commentary on the original: huh? Do these people live on Planet Earth?)
That because people are not perfect (or not willing to pretend they are) they shouldn't even bother trying.
That gender roles are the absolute, inviolable Will of God but that everyone is naturally bisexual and they must choose to be heterosexual--or else!
(Alternatively: That heterosexuality is the absolute, inviolable Will of God except for people who choose to be otherwise.)
That life is sacred if and only if it lives within a woman.
That Strom Thurmond, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Pat Buchanan, and Rev. Dobson are the paragons of American Virtue.
That the First Amendment is an Evil Liberal Myth and that all the founders were Christian and wanted Christianity (your particular brand, specifically) as the officially entrenched religion of America. That people ought not have right to speech or assembly if they are unpopular or considered "bad". Only Republican opinions on popularity or goodness should be counted.